Weird FF9
by Big Mad Tony
Summary: Weird FF9 Stuff...
1. Alexandria

**Note - Please do not kill me... this is the ENTIRE script for FF9, courtesy from the bloke who did the script for the other FF9 MST. Having no real idea what MST is about, and never have seen it, this is just my version with weird comments, which may or may not make you laugh. By the end, it should be around 100,000 words. Don't say I didn't warn you. By the way, it would be even longer if I had included the ATEs, so I'm sparing you. Remember it in future.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, except everything I do own.**

[FMV. A big storm at sea, waves crashing & harsh winds, and a boat. 

**A whole storm, and one boat... Right...**

**Good weather for it, too...**

The boat is being tossed around by the storm. Two people, faces unseen, are on the boat. A huge wave tosses the ship in the air, before crashing it down. A closeup of the faces shows someone who looks like Princess Garnet. Instantly, the scene shifts towards a scene with Garnet, sitting outside a window, waking up. Rubbing the fatigue from her eyes, she looks out the window. We see a large overview of Alexandria, followed by birds flying in the sky, and the Lindblum Theater Ship, flying in the air. Inside the ship, a rat-tailed boy jumps down, walks forward, opens a door, and enters a dark room.]

"Sure is dark..."

**I've already worked THAT out...**

"Guess nobody's here yet..."

[He lights a match, then lights a candle.]

"Who's there?"

**Nobody! You just said!**

[Name the character "Zidane"]

**You're not the boss of me, Square!**

Zidane 

"It's me, Zidane!"

Well I never.

[Three characters - Blank, Cinna, and Marcus - open another door and run in]

**... to it.**

Blank 

"Hey, Zidane! You sure are late!"

Zidane

**"Yeah... got stuck in traffic. Huge tailback along the M1 northbound... I'm surprised I got here."**

Zidane 

"Sorry. So, where's the boss?"

Cinna 

"Ain't here yet."

[Someone jumps down, with the head of a dragon. Battle ensues. By the end of the battle, it's revealed that the one you were fighting was Baku, leader of Tantalus, a.k.a. "Boss"]

**A.k.a 'Toots', 'Sweetpea', 'Damngoodinbed', and 'The bloke with the stupid costume'. **

Baku 

"Hey, fools!"

"You're lookin'

**"...horny!"**

 a lot better!"

"Gwahahaha!"

"Alright! Let's start this meeting already!"

[The four of them follow Baku into an adjacent room. In there, the 5 of them surround a table, with a construct of the Castle of Alexandria on the table]

Baku 

"Here's the plan!"

"Tantalus, the infamous band of daring thieves (that's us),

**Zidane**

**"Now I know who I am! Now what's the point in the ending FMV..."**

**Just needed slight clarification for the thicker of us...**

 is headin' to the Kingdom of Alexandria..."

Why is it a kingdom if there is no king?

"Our mission: to kidnap the heir to the throne, Princess Garnet!"

Cinna 

"I'll take it from here, so listen up!"

"Our ship's about to dock at Alexandria..."

"And when it does, we're gonna put on our

**"... strap-ons..."**

costumes..."

"...and perform 'I Want to Be Your Canary,' the most popular play in Alexandria!"

"Break a leg, Marcus! 'Cause you're playin' the lead!"

Marcus 

"Leave the actin' to me! Of course, the real kidnappers'll be Blank and Zidane."

**Looks like he dosen't know his name...**

**"Hello, my name is... uh... what's my name... er... blank..."**

Blank 

"I'll distract the audience from backstage with these little buggers."

"I can't stand

**"... not having continual sex"**

**"... not holding BooBoo"**

**"... not having a name"**

oglops..."

"But I'll manage, so don't worry about me."

"And that'll be your cue, Zidane!"

Zidane 

"Okay!"

[Choose between "That's when I kidnap Queen Brahne, right?" or "That's when I kidnap Princess Garnet, right?". Choose the latter choice]

**You CAN'T MAKE ME!**

Baku 

"You bet! You're gonna kidnap the most babe-ilicious beauty in all of Alexandria, Princess Garnet!"

[FMV. An orange-yellowish sky is above Alexandria. A small black mage,

**Damn racists! It's a coloured mage..."**

walking and stumbling, looks up to see the massive Theater Ship pass overhead, casting a shadow over him. The ship moves into place, near Alexandria castle. The crystal, in the center of the castle, is focused upon,

**... with appalling camera work...**

as the words "FINAL FANTASY IX" appear on the screen]

[Action resumes in Alexandria. The black mage stumbles and falls down, dropping his ticket. The word "ALEXANDRIA" appears on the screen. A small person walks up to him]

"You awright?"

**"I aint wost my wirginity wet..."**

"Here! You dwopped your

**"... pants!"**

ticket."

"Bye-bye!"

[You can now take control of the black mage, whose name is simply "??????"

**... because those stupid MGS guards all heard a noise...**

at the moment. After a bit of walking, a Rat Kid bumps into the black mage, and both fall down]

Rat Kid 

"Oww!"

"Why you--get outta my way!!!"

**"Yeah! My prossie ain't gonna wait all day, and at 2,000 gil an hour, I can't afford it!"**

[Next screen...]

Herald 

"Honorable nobles of Treno... Castle Alexandria is this way!"

[Honks his horn,

**... and gets back in the clown car...**

as a group of nobles walks off the screen. The black mage walks to the next screen and approaches the Ticket Booth]

Ticketmaster 

"Can I help you,

**"... foo'?"**

**"... ethnically diverse guy?"**

son?"

Pointy-Hat Boy 

**Wait a minute! His name was '??????'!**

"Uh... Umm..."

[Choose between "Show Ticket", "What's showing today?", "Tell me about Alexandria!", or "Leave". Choose "Show Ticket".]

**Stop! STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!**

Ticketmaster 

"What's this? There's something odd about this ticket..."

"Why, it's another fake! I've seen so many today."

Pointy-Hat Boy 

**"5,000 gil and we say this never happened..."**

**"10,000 gil and we say it's real..."**

"Nooooo!"

Ticketmaster 

"Now, now. Don't cry. I know how you must feel."

"Here, I'll give you these. Do try to cheer up now, hmm?"

[Received Goblin Card, Fang Card, Skeleton Card]

"Talk to Alleyway Jack to learn most about cards. Good luck, lad!"

**No.**

[The black mage walks into a nearby alley, where someone is hammering away at a sign. He trips and falls.]

Dante the Signmaker 

"Blast it!"

"Hey! You made me miss, you little klutz!"

"Whew. That should do it."

"Well, it's been a long day."

[Walks away, leaving the ladder he was using behind]

Rat Kid 

"Hey, you! Shrimp! You're the one with the phony ticket, ain'tcha?"

"I saw the guy tell you it was fake!"

[Choose between "Y-Yeah, it's fake", "N-No, it's not fake", or "Are you Alleyway Jack?". Pick the first choice.]

"I'll let you see the show if you become my slave!"

"Well, whaddya say?"

**I thought slavery was abolished... but apparently not.**

[Choose between "Alright" or "N-No, I don't want to". Pick the first choice.]

**No! No! No! Nonononononononononono!**

"Awesome! Now for your first assignment!"

"You go stand over there and see if anyone's comin'!"

[The Pointy-Hat Boy runs to the entrance of the alley and keeps a lookout. On the opposite side of the alley is the Rat Kid]

Rat Kid 

"All clear?"

[Choose between "Yeah, it's clear" or "I think someone's coming". Pick the first choice.]

"Awesome! Engage according to mission parameters!"

**Cue cool midi music about M:I**

[The rat kid runs up to the ladder, grabs it over his head, and runs off the screen]

**... and through the monitor, out onto the floor and around your house. He then gets trapped by a rubbish trap, then eaten by a small terrier. Game over.**

Rat Kid 

"Over here!"

"Don't fall behind!"

"Into the steeple!"

[The Pointy Hat Boy follows him into the steeple]

Rat Kid 

"Now we're gonna

**"SCREW!"**

climb up this tower!"

"It's very dangerous. You go first."

Classic. I don't wanna die, so you go first, so you have the horribly disfiguring accident!"

[The black mage walks up to the ladder going up the steeple. He looks up, only to have a moogle fall down on him]

**See?**

"Oww!"

Rat Kid 

"Ahahaha! What the heck was that!?"

"Sorry 'bout that, Kupo!"

Rat Kid 

"That's Kupo. He's a moogle."

"Kupo!"

**"I can say name, kupo!"**

Rat Kid 

"And this is slave number one!"

"Try to get along, okay?"

"Kupo! Pleased to meet you!"

Kupo 

"I sorry. I enter you in Moogle Diary!"

**"And I so thick I talk like Quina, kupo!"**

"If you want to save game onto MEMORY CARD, just

**"... leave message at tone, and Kupo will get back to you. Bleeeep."**

ask us moogles, Kupo!"

"And you can regain health if you have a Tent , Kupo!"

"You understand?"

[Choose between "I understand" or "Once more...". Pick the first choice]

**"This is a simple lie detector. Do you understand?"**

**"Yes... bleeeepppyBLEEEP... FWOOM!"**

"Glad I can help, Kupo!"

Rat Kid 

"Alright, time for some upward mobility!"

"In a Hind-D!"

[Rat Kid climbs up the steeple ladder, with his ladder in hand]

"Okay, come on up, slave!"

[A different-looking moogle walks onto the screen]

"Kupo! You here?"

**"No. What'd ya think?"**

Kupo 

"Kupo! Stiltzkin! Why that getup?"

"You leaving, Kupo?"

Stiltzkin 

"Yeah, and this time I might be away for a long time."

**"... foo'!"**

Kupo 

"I'll miss you, Kupo."

Stiltzkin 

"Now, don't you worry. I'll write."

**"... in your blood... mwahahahahahaha!!!"**

Kupo 

"Okay, Kupo!"

Stiltzkin 

"Well, I'm off. Take care!"

"Oh, and say hi to Mosh

**"PIT!!!"**

 in the castle for me."

[Stiltzkin walks off screen the same way he walked on]

Pointy-Hat Boy 

"Was that a friend of yours?"

Kupo 

"Yes, Kupo. A very special one, Kupo!!!"

**"Nope. We mortal enemenemies... kupo!"**

Rat Kid 

"Hey, slave! I thought I ordered you up here!!!"

**"Hurry up, or you'll be starring in 'Carry On Up My Arse With An Electric Cattle Prod!'"**

[The Pointy-Hay Boy climbs up the ladder, coming face-to-face with the ladder-holding Rat Kid]

Rat Kid 

"Alright, the play's gonna start if we don't hurry!"

**"Oh. No. We. May. Miss. The. Play. How. Tragic."**

[Next screen, Rat Kid is walking over rooftops. The black mage, afraid of heights, hesitates]

Rat Kid 

"Come on! Get over here!"

"Lemme guess... You're afraid of heights, aren't you?"

**Wow... full marks for stating the obvious... it just said!**

"It's okay! Just pretend you're on the ground!"

[The Pointy-Hat Boy walks across a piece of wood to another rooftop]

"Come on, already! We're runnin' outta time!"

[The Pointy-Hat Boy comes to another piece of wood connecting two rooftops]

Rat Kid 

"Not again..."

"Don't worry! It won't fall!"

[As the Pointy-Hat Boy crosses the wood, it breaks and he jumps off at the last moment]

"Hahaha... I guess it fell."

**"I can contradict myself. I am also a shit liar!"**

"No point in worrying now, right?"

[He follows the Rat Kid, and comes to another piece of wood)

Rat Kid 

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot!"

"I don't even know your name!"

[Name the character "Vivi"]

**Stop! No! I give in!**

Rat Kid 

"So your name's Vivi, huh?"

"Kinda funny name..."

"My name's Puck! Pleased to meetcha!"

**'Vivi''s funny? As if 'Puck' isn't!**

[You run across the rest of the rooftops, until you finally arrive at the outside of the castle's roof]

Puck 

"Whew... We finally made it!"

[He uses the ladder he was carrying to get from the last rooftop to a wooden platform right beside the castle]

"After this wall, we'll be inside the castle!"

"C'mon, let's go!"

[Vivi runs up the ladder and follows him]

[FMV. Night Time, and Alexandria castle, with the theater ship stationed inside, is shown. The band is playing, and the audience is watching. Vivi and Puck run up, and start to clap.

**Vivi and Puck**

**"We can clap! Lookee!"**

The face of Queen Brahne, fanning herself, is shown, followed by Garnet and a knight. Garnet looks a tad drowsy;

**... druggie!**

the knight looks at her and smiles. He moves his sword forward, as the play starts. Fireworks and rambunctious music fill the air. Vivi and Puck look at it all with amazement.

**Vivi**

**"Lookee! I can do that!"**

**And in doing so, incinerates the crowd.**

The knight looks at Garnet again, and his mouth opens with shock, as he sees Garnet practically falling asleep, eyes struggling to stay open. As the fireworks and music continue, the Queen is dancing around, out of her seat.]

[Baku, dressed in a big robe, is in the center of the stage]

**... and the edge, and the front, and the back.**

"Ladies and Gentlemen!"

"Tonight's performance is a story that takes place long, long ago."

"Our heroine, Princess Cornelia, is torn from her lover, Marcus."

"She attempts to flee the castle, only to be captured by her father, King Leo."

"When our story begins, Marcus, having heard this, crosses swords with the King."

"And now, Your Royal Majesty, Queen Brahne, Your Highness, Princess Garnet..."

"...noble ladies and lords, and our rooftop viewers, Tantalus proudly presents 'I Want to Be Your Canary'!"

[Scene changes to a backstage area, where Cinna, Zidane, and Blank are rehearsing their lines]

Blank 

"Bereft of father! Bereft of mother!"

"Marcus! Thou hast lost even they love!"

**"Because thy is not thy sex-monkey thy used to be!"**

Cinna 

"Fortune hath escap'd thee!"

"For what end shalt thou live?"

Zidane 

"For the sake of our friend..."

"Let us bury our steel in the heart of the wretched King Leo!"

Cinna & Blank 

"Aye!"

**"Ach, I dinna ken no how Haggis tastes!"**

[The three of them run forward. On the stage, lightning is flashing, and the three of them join Marcus; standing in front of him is King Leo (Baku) flanked on either side by two soldiers]

Blank 

"We shall back thee, Kinsman!"

Marcus 

"Pray, sheathe thy swords! This villain is mine alone!"

**"Marcus Kinsman is GOD!"**

Cinna 

"Nay, Kinsman!"

"For I, too, have lost a brother to this fiend!"

King Leo 

"What ho? Out, vermin! Away!"

**"Buy new RentoKill! Guaranteed 95% Polyputheketlon!"**

"Thou darest bare thy sword before the King!?"

"All who stand in my way will be crush'd!"

Zidane 

"Treacherous Leo, my Kinsman's suffering shall not be in vain!"

"That's the way he wanted to go!"

"For I shall instruct thee in his incomparable pain!"

**To what? Country folksongs?**

[Battle ensues: King Leo and his two soldiers vs. Zidane, Cinna, Marcus and Blank]

King Leo 

"Arrg... Grrr..."

**"Grrr... Arrg... Grrr... Arrg..."**

"Thou hast not seen the last of me, Marcus!"

Zidane 

"Come back!"

[Tries to follow him, but Blank blocks the way]

Zidane 

"Out of my way, Blank!"

Blank 

"Consider this, Zidane! If Prince Schneider were to marry Princess Cornelia, peace would reign over both their kingdoms!"

**No. Unless they called their son 'Peace' and they killed each other or died or something...**

Zidane 

"'Tis foolishness! If all were so easy, why, none would suffer in this world!"

[A short swordfight ensues. Zidane says "Aha!", Blank goes "Mph!", and it continues on a seperate screen]

Blank 

"En garde!"

**"Touchy!"**

Zidane 

"Expect no quarter from me!"

**"But I have got a few cents, a dollar here or there..."**

[Swordfight, where you control Zidane's moves]

**Square! You are gonna kill me with all these decisions! Get them all wrong to have no-one pleased!**

Zidane 

"Come back here!"

Blank 

"We shall finish this later!"

[Both run off screen]

[The screen fades to black, as sounds of punches, along with "Doof!" and "Ungha!"-type exclamations are seen.

**Batman? What's he got to do with anything? "Miss!" "Headbutt!" "Oof!" "The pain! The pain! With the horrible torture instruments!**

When the screen fades into color, Zidane and Blank are wearing the armor of two knights, who are lying down on the floor]

Blank 

"Hehehe!"

"Finished changing, Zidane?"

Zidane 

"Yeah, but this helmet..."

"It kinda smells..."

Blank 

"What are you talkin' about!? My helmet totally reeks!"

"My armor's way too big..."

"And my back's real itchy..."

"The boots are wet..."

**So THAT's what he used as a toilet...**

"My gloves are all slimy..."

**And that must have been the condom.**

"There's cookie crumbs in my pocket..."

Zidane 

"Okay, I get the picture..."

"You still have the package, right?"

Blank 

"Don't worry! I won't screw up!"

**"Uh-oh.... IT'S TICKING!"**

**Zidane**

**"RUN!"**

Zidane 

"Alright! First, I'll go pour some sleep potion into Princess Garnet's teacup!"

... making her a druggie... again!

Blank 

"And I've got a special something for the lovely queen!"

[Walks over to the lying-down armor-stripped guards]

"Hehehe. They're sleeping so soundly!"

**... together? Dear, God, NO!!**

[The words "ALEXANDRIA CASTLE" appear on the screen, as Zidane follows Blank out of the room. In the next scene, they're in the castle, outside of the room they just left]

**Well I never. Being in the castle, outside the room they just left? Wow. Amazing!**

Blank 

"According to recon..."

**"The place is bugged and there are cameras everywhere."**

"...the royal seats should be right above these stairs!"

Zidane 

"Got it!"

[A quick crowd-cheer is heard]

**Crowd**

**"GOOOOALLLL... LATTTTSIOOOO!!!"**

Blank 

"Uh-oh! The scene where Marcus sneaks into Cornelia's chamber is about to start!"

"Let's get this over with before the finale, okay?"

[Zidane runs up a set of stairs, as someone else, face hidden, opens a set of doors and runs forward. The two of them stop, avoiding a collision]

Zidane 

(Hmm? She sure is dressed funny...)

Hooded Girl 

"Umm... Would you please let me pass?"

Zidane 

"Hmm..." 

**"No. I need level 4 security clearance. You have that?"**

[Choose between "Let her pass" or "Examine her face". Neither choice matters, but, choosing the second one makes it more interesting]

Zidane 

"Let's see..."

Hooded Girl 

"Is there something on my face?"

Zidane 

"Oh, no. You see..."

**"Wait! Ewww! It's all gross and horrible... oh wait, it's your nose..."**

"I just thought maybe you were the one I'd been waiting for all this time."

Hooded Girl 

"Excuse me? You were waiting for me?"

**"Yep. The condom don't fit anymore..."**

Zidane 

"Yeah! I've dreamt of meeting you here ever since I was born!"

Hooded Girl 

"Do you mock me?"

Zidane 

"No, of course not..."

**"Mocky mocky mock mock... no. I'm psyching you... Psych, psych, psych!!!"**

Hooded Girl 

"Then, I shall take my leave of you!"

[She tries to walk by, but Zidane blocks her way]

Zidane 

"Just a sec!"

**"You need to pay the toll lady..."**

"Haven't we met before?"

Hooded Girl 

"No, I do not know you..."

Zidane 

"Hmm..."

"Maybe you're right... I'd never let someone as pretty as you get away."

"Say, you wouldn't-"

[Blank runs part of the way up the stairs]

Blank 

"Hey, what's goin' on, Zidane?"

Hooded Girl 

"I..."

**"I have to go now. My planet needs me..."**

**[Caption - Garnet died on the way to her home planet.]**

"I must go!"

[She runs past Zidane, spinning him around, then past Blank, down the stairs]

Blank 

"Who the heck was that!?"

**"Wheeeee!"**

Zidane 

"Get up, Blank! That was Princess Garnet!"

Blank 

"Are you serious!?"

[The two of them run down the stairs and off the screen. Meanwhile, at the set of stairs near the entrance of the castle are the two Jesters, Zorn and Thorn, clad in blue and red respectively]

Not the Jesters! Nooo!

Zorn 

"We are in trouble!"

Thorn 

"Trouble are we in!"

Zorn 

"Yes, that's what I just said, pillock!"

"This is terrible!"

"You can't sing, can't dance, can't act... screw you... MAKEUP!"

Thorn 

"Our heads, Queen Brahne will have!"

Zorn 

"We must hurry!"

Thorn 

"Hurry, we must!"

[They run up some stairs]

Zorn 

"We are in trouble!

Thorn 

"Trouble are we in!"

**Zorn**

**"Yes... we now that, you pillock!"**

[Next screen]

Thorn 

"The right way, that is not!"

Zorn 

"I know it is not the right way!"

Thorn 

"Really, do you?"

Zorn 

"I really do!"

Thorn 

"Wonder, I sometimes do."

**And this is a 'valuble scene', is it not?**

Zorn 

"N-Now is not the time to wonder!"

Thorn 

"Hurry to Queen Brahne, must we!"

Zorn 

"We must hurry to Queen Brahne!"

[They run up the stairs which the Hooded Girl, Blank and Zidane ran down. Thorn runs towards the doors which the Hooded Girl exited]

Zorn 

"That is not the right way!"

Thorn 

"N-Not the right way, I know!"

Zorn 

"Do you really?"

Thorn 

"Know I really do!!!"

Zorn 

"I really wonder sometimes."

**NOT AGAIN! FIRST THE FORCED NAMING, THEN THE REPETITION! REPETITION! REPETITION!**

Thorn 

"Th-The time to wonder, now is not!"

"Hurry to see Her Majesty, we must!"

Zorn 

"We must hurry and tell Her Majesty!"

[They run into the Queen's room, and try to run to her, but the knight gets in the way]

Thorn 

"See the queen, we must!"

Captain of the Knights of Pluto 

"Her Majesty is busy! Come back later!"

**"Leave your name and number after the beep. Bleeeep!"**

Beatrix 

"Is it an emergency?"

Thorn 

"An emergency, it is!"

Zorn 

"A veritable emergency of terrible urgency!"

**I think we know that!**

Beatrix 

"Very well. I'll see what I can do."

Thorn 

"Very grateful, we'll be!"

Zorn 

"We'll be very grateful!"

Captain of the Knights of Pluto 

"Grrr! Curse that Beatrix! Always trying to one-up me!"

Beatrix 

"So, what exactly is the problem?"

Zorn 

"Her Royal Highness..."

Thorn 

"Princess Garnet..."

Thorn & Zorn 

"...is in danger!"

Beatrix 

"I see. Wait right there."

[Beatrix walks down to the Queen, who is watching the play]

Queen Brahne 

"No interruptions! Can't you see I'm watching the show!?"

Beatrix 

"Your Majesty, I'm afraid Princess Garnet has-"

**"... been mutilated by a sheep!"**

**"... went off to join the circus!"**

**"... had sex with me!"**

**"... killed herself!"**

**"... had a hemmorage!"**

Queen Brahne 

"Ah, yes... She did leave her seat awhile ago."

Beatrix 

"Your Majesty, it seems that Princess Garnet has run off with

**"... Steiner!"**

the Royal Pendant."

Queen Brahne 

"Well, of all the... What could she be thinking!?"

**"Wooly pleasure!"**

**"Good elephant... nice elephant..."**

**"Damn! She's good in bed!"**

**"Urk!"**

**"Strain! Strain! Strainey!"**

"General Beatrix!"

Beatrix 

"Your Majesty!"

Queen Brahne 

"And, Captain...uh..."

[Name the character "Steiner"]

**NO!**

Queen Brahne 

"Captain Steiner!"

Steiner 

"Yes, Your Majesty!"

Queen Brahne 

"Go find Garnet!"

Steiner 

"Yes, my queen!"

Oooh... first 'Majesty', then 'Queen!'"

Beatrix 

"At once, Your Majesty!"

[The screen fades to black. It fades back in on Steiner standing in front of the door to the room which the Hooded Girl ran out of]

Steiner 

"Knights of Pluto!"

"ASSEMBLE!!!"

[Looks around]

"Huh?"

"Where is everybody!?"

[The two knights who were mugged of their armor run out of the room they were sleeping in]

Blutzen, Pluto Knight II 

"Captain, sir!"

Kohel, Pluto Knight III 

"All present and accounted for, sir!"

Steiner 

"What are you talking about!? There's only two of you!"

**You have now progressed to counting 102.**

"Where are the other six!?"

**You have now progressed to subtraction 108.**

[Runs down the stairs to confront them]

"Why, you useless good-for-nothings!"

"I bring orders from the queen!"

"Get dressed 

**"... you horny bastards!"**

and go find Princess Garnet!"

[You run out of the castle. In front of the castle, a chorus of cheers are heard]

**Cheese? CHEESE? First commands, then CHEESE!**

Steiner 

"What!?"

"The play seems to be a hit!"

"But if we fail to find the princess before the curtain falls,

On everyone, crushing them.

Her Majesty will be most displeased..."

"And we will be the laughingstock of Beatrix and her retinue!"

"I must hurry!"

[Steiner then proceeds to run up the tower to the left of the castle]

Steiner 

"Whew... Fatigue rears its ugly head."

**"What a nice breath you have. Mr. Fatigue!"**

"No! I must perservere!"

"The princess must be found!"

[On the right tower, across from the left, Zidane is chasing the Hooded Girl]

Zidane

"Please! We can work it out!"

Steiner 

"Wait! Over there!"

"It's Princess Garnet!"

"Being hounded by brigands!

**Since when was Zidane a brigand?**

Fear not, Princess! Your knight is coming!"

**Zidane**

**"Leave off, she's mine to come in!"**

[FMV. The princess climbs on top of the edge and looks at Zidane, then, falls off the edge.

**Splatter time!**

Steiner goes ballistic, thinking she's falling to her death, when, in fact, she's holding onto a cord of some sort. Zidane holds onto a cord as well,

**Queen Brahne's cords? Eurgh!**

along with Steiner. Garnet and Zidane land comfortably on a mattress of some sort, while Steiner smashes into the side of the Theater Ship.

**Funny legs!**

The FMV ends, and Zidane jumps inside the Theater Ship, where a band with several members is playing]

Zidane 

"Huh? Where'd the princess go?"

Hooded Girl 

"Woo!"

**"I am the ghost of Christmas past..."**

[The Hooded Girl jumps down, runs one way, then returns, knocking the band members and Zidane down, then running through the doors. Zidane follows her. In the next room, she runs by a blue-haired girl, spinning her around, before stopping]

Ruby 

"Whoa! Whut in tarnation!?"

**"Texans rule!"**

"Hold yer horses, there!"

**"Whut yer doin' there, yer can't hold invistible horses!"**

"Whut kinda cattle you chasin', darlin'?"

**Garnet**

**"Sexy ones..."**

"You should at least say yer sorry!"

Hooded Girl 

"Please pardon me. I was in a hurry, you see..."

Ruby 

"And here I am, fixin' to get ready fer my big entrance!"

[Zidane enters the room and runs up to them]

Ruby 

"Hey, Zidane! Did you see the way she hit me!?"

"This cowgirl's wilder than a buckin' bronco!"

Zidane 

"Just let me talk to her, Ruby!"

Ruby 

"Come again, pardner!?"

"Did you hear what I just said?"

Zidane 

"Ruby! We'll talk later!"

**"And then we can screw!"**

[The Hooded Girl runs down a set of stairs behind Ruby. Zidane follows her and finally catches up. They're in the room where he first lit the candle at the start of the game]

Zidane 

"Whew... Well, it looks like you've finally made up your mind."

(Wow. We really had to improvise. But hey, we got her!)

**"Sure is dark..."**

**"Guess nobody is here yet..."**

Hooded Girl 

"Do you... do you work on this theater ship?"

Zidane 

(Aww... So she figured it out, huh?)

Hooded Girl 

"As you have no doubt suspected..."

"...the truth is that..."

"I am actually..."

[Removes her hood]

**"Your Father..."**

**Zidane**

**"Noooooooooooooo!"**

"Princess Garnet Til Alexandros, heir to the throne of Alexandria."

Garnet 

"I have a favour I wish to ask of you..."

"I wish to be kidnapped... right away."

**Kidnapping is to take someone AGAINST THEIR WILL, thicko.**

Zidane 

"H-Huh!? I don't... I mean..."

[They hear a knock on the door, followed by "Princess! Where are you?". Garnet places her hood back on]

Garnet 

"Please... They've come for me!"

Zidane 

"Aha... So that's what's going on..."

"Alright! Leave them to me!"

**"If I'm going down, I'm screwing everyone with me!"**

Garnet 

"Thank you. You have my gratitude."

**Received Key Item: Gratitude.**

Zidane 

"Alright then, Your Highness!"

"I shall hereby do my best to kidnap you!"

[Cinna runs in]

Cinna 

"What're you two doin'? Come on, this way!"

**Lost Key Item: Gratitude.**

Zidane 

"Don't worry, Princess. It's my friend Cinna!"

Garnet 

"Oh, really?"

"I am sorry. You startled me."

Zidane 

"Well, with a face like his, I'd be pretty shocked, too!"

Cinna 

"Man, that hurts! I wash up every morning, you know!"

[Another knock on a door and the statement "Princess!" ensues]

Cinna 

"This way!"

Zidane 

"Alright, we'll follow you!"

[Zidane and Garnet follow Cinna into the room where they first held their meeting at the start of the game. Meanwhile, the door which was knocked on twice is opened]

Steiner 

"Princess?"

[Walks into the room]

"Princess..."

"Princess!"

"Princess...?"

"PRINCESS!!!?"

"Princess?"

**You have advanced to Words 102.**

[A knight runs into the room]

Steiner 

"Where have you been!?"

Knight 

"Sir! I'm sorry, sir!"

Steiner 

"Princess!"

"I am the princess!"

[Meanwhile, in the other room...]

Zidane 

"Hey, Cinna! This is a dead end!"

Cinna 

"Hehehe. I thought this might happen..."

[Cinna exclaims "Open!" followed by "Sesame!", as the table lifts to reveal a passageway leading under the floor]

"So I set up this escape hatch!"

**Zidane**

**"Wow. So. Amazing. I. Would. Never. Have. Thought. Of. It. Ever."**

[Steiner knocks on the door, saying "Princess!"]

Cinna 

"C'mon, let's go in the hatch!"

[Cinna, Garnet, and Zidane jump hastily into it. Steiner and his knight barge into the room]

Steiner 

"The princess must be down there!"

Pluto Knight 

"I-I'll go first, sir!"

[Jumps in back-first, and, naturally, gets stuck]

Steiner 

"Hey!!! What do you think you're doing!?"

"You look so sexy when doing that like that..."

Pluto Knight 

"Captain, sir! I'm stuck, sir!"

Steiner 

"Grrrr! Blast it!!!"

[Runs out of the room]

**[Returns with C4]**

**"This should do it!"**

Pluto Knight 

"Hehehe. He bought it!"

[Scene changes to Zidane and Garnet, with Cinna, underneath the hatch]

Zidane 

"Wow, you're really athletic, Princess. I think I'm falling for you!"

**"Yeah... fallinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn... oof!"**

Garnet 

"This is nothing. I have been training to escape the castle, after all."

Zidane 

"What a waste. If only you weren't a princess..."

Garnet 

"We have no time for idle banter. Come, let us move on!"

[They run off the screen with Cinna, only to meet up with Steiner in the other room]

Steiner 

"Aha!"

"Princess! I, Steiner, have come to your rescue!"

[The Pluto Knight runs into the room the way Zidane and co. ran in]

Pluto Knight 

"You needn't worry, Your Highness!"

**Garnet**

**"Worry. Worry, worry worry!"**

Steiner 

"Good work! This will be remembered as the Pluto Knights' finest hour!"

**Zidane**

**"More like day with their stupidity!"**

Pluto Knight 

"Hehehe!"

"Just relax, Princess. We'll get you outta here!"

Steiner 

"WHAT!!!?"

"You're not one of my knights!"

Zidane 

"You can just..."

Cinna 

"...leave the princess..."

Zidane, Cinna, and the Pluto Knight 

"...to us!"

**"... to SCREW!"**

[Battle of Steiner vs. Zidane, Cinna, and the Pluto Knight, who is actually Blank, ensues. After defeating Steiner, he does an attack which destroys Blank's armor disguise, but also releases all the oglops. Afterwards, Cinna, Blank, and Steiner run around erratically, yelling "I hate oglops!" and "Oglops are the worst!"]

Zidane 

"Now's our chance! Come on!"

[Zidane and Garnet run into another room. The scene then changes to King Leo, back on the stage, doing a monologue]

King Leo 

"Tonight, I shall finally see my daughter Cornelia betroth'd to Prince Schneider!"

"And then Prince Schneider and his kingdom will be mine!"

"Gwahahahaha!"

[The two guards which fought alongside King Leo before walk onto the stage, holding Marcus' arms]

Zenero 

"Your Majesty!"

Benero 

"We have caught an intruder!"

King Leo 

**"Good work minions! Have a minion treat!"**

**Zenero and Benero**

**"Yay!"**

"Why, my poor Marcus!"

"Hark, lad. No matter how much thou dost treasure Cornelia..."

"...no matter how deeply she might believe she doth love thee..."

"...never shall I see her marry a peasant such as thee!"

[A bell rings once]

"When the bell strikes three..."

"Under the axe thou shall be!"

[The bell strikes a second time]

[Meanwhile, in the room where Zidane and Garnet ran into]

Garnet 

"What now? We cannot go any further!"

Zidane 

"Hmmm..."

[Cinna runs into the room]

Cinna 

"Zidane! Get on Number Two!"

Zidane 

"Okay! Princess Garnet, this way!"

[Zidane and Garnet run onto a platform. Steiner runs in the room, proclaiming "Stop!", hitting Cinna, who responds with "Yow!".

**... and adding "Owchie-pain!"**

Steiner walks onto the platform parallel to Zidane and Garnet's. Both platforms begin to rise upwards]

[Back on the stage, the bell rings a third time]

King Leo 

"Futhermore!"

**Zidane**

**"Not MORE!"**

[The two platforms rise up, as Garnet, Zidane, and Steiner join the group of King Leo, Marcus, Benero and Zenero]

Zidane 

"(Guys! Just improvise!)"

Steiner 

"Ho? What's all this?"

[Marcus breaks free from the guards, runs up to Garnet, and proclaims "Cornelia!"]

Garnet 

"(Um...)"

Zidane 

"(Marcus is Corenlia's lover!)"

Garnet 

"Oh, Marcus!"

Zidane 

"(Yeah, you're doing great!)"

Garnet 

"(Ahaha. I have studied drama, you know.)"

Baku 

"(Okay, guys. Let's keep going. Brahne's still watchin', after all!)"

Garnet 

"Oh, Marcus! I missed you so!"

[Hugs Marcus]

"I wish never to leave thy side. Prithee, lead me from this place!"

Zidane 

"See, King Leo? Thou shouldst give them thy blessing!"

King Leo 

**"Oh go on then. MINI SAUSAGES ON ME!"**

"Never!"

"Never leave his side, thou sayest?"

"Foolish banter! I'll not allow it!"

"Cornelia shall marry none other than this man - Prince

**"... Snothead!"**

Schneider!"

"Is that not so, Prince Schneider?"

Steiner 

"M-Marry the princess? Me!?"

King Leo 

"Aye! And this traitorous crew, I will put to death!"

[Zidane and Marcus attack the two guards]

Benero 

"Too many of them!"

**And it was a fair fight...**

**GRATUITOUS PYTHON SCENE!**

Zenero 

"Run away!"

[They run off the screen. King Leo approaches Garnet]

King Leo 

"Pray, sweet daughter,

**"Pray TO SATAN! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"**

come home to the castle with me."

Garnet 

"Nay, Father! I shan't return!"

King Leo 

"Cornelia... Trouble me no more."

"This wedding is for thine own welfare. Be mindful of that."

Marcus 

"Not if I can help it!!!"

"Now is my moment of vengeance! For my parents, and for my love, Cornelia..."

[Draws sword]

"I shall cut thee down!"

**King Leo**

**"I'm a tree so tall and wide!"**

**"Cut me down and shave my hide."**

**"Making planks of wood! Abide,"**

**"I'm a tree this evening!"**

[Marcus steps forward to stab Leo. Garnet goes in front of Leo, who steps back, and she gets stabbed by the sword, going "Ngh!" in the process. On the other side of the screen, Steiner begins to breakdown, thinking she was actually stabbed]

Marcus 

"No... Cornelia!!!"

Garnet 

"Mar...cus, forgive me. I still love my father..."

King Leo 

"Cornelia!"

Steiner 

"Princess!"

Garnet 

"Prithee, forgive my selfishness, Father, and spare my sweet Marcus..."

**"Yeth, lethtth all go to the prithee for a pith!"**

Marcus 

"What have I done!? Am I never to hear her loving voice again!?"

"Am I cursed never again to feel her soft touch!?"

"O, cruel fate! Thou hast robbed me of all I treasure!"

[Marcus stabs himself, exclaiming "Ngah!". Zidane exclaims "Marcus!". The screen changes to a view of Queen Brahne, who is watching the events unfold]

**Zidane**

**"Hasta la vista, crybaby!"**

Queen Brahne 

"Oh, my!"

"This year's show is splendid!"

"Waaaaaaa!"

"Why did she have to die!? Why!?"

**Mood change imminent!**

(Now, where could Garnet be?)

"Boo-hoo-hooo!!!"

[Over to Puck and Vivi...]

Puck 

"Wow, what a show!"

Vivi 

"Yeah, so sad..."

Puck 

"I'm glad we climbed all the way over here. How 'bout you, huh?"

"Uh oh! Looks like trouble!"

**"Damn... trouble's crap, and I'm useless at it..."**

[Puck and Vivi both run away, as two knights chase them]

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII 

"Stop, you!"

Weimar, Pluto Knight VII 

"Come back, trespassers!"

**"Thief!"**

**"Criminal!"**

**"Give back all the money from the church collection plate!"**

[Vivi trips]

Puck 

"Fool! I'm outta here!"

[Runs away. Vivi runs away shortly after]

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII 

"Fury!!!"

**"RAGE!!!"**

Weimar, Pluto Knight VII 

"Come back here!"

[The scene changes back to King Leo and company]

King Leo 

"Forgive me!!!"

Steiner 

"Princess!!!"

**"You BASTARD!"**

[Vivi runs onto the stage]

Vivi 

"Leave me alone!"

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII 

"Stop!!!"

Weimar, Pluto Knight VII 

"Come back here!"

Vivi 

"Don't come any closer!"

**"KILL!"**

[Vivi does a fire spell, which hits Garnet's hood. She jumps up, exclaiming "Ow! That's hot!",

**Zidane**

**"True. True."**

then throwing off her hood & disguise altogether]

Baku 

"Zidane! It's time!"

Zidane 

"Princess Garnet! Let's get outta here!"

Steiner 

"What... What is going on!?"

Garnet 

"Steiner! Don't follow me anymore!"

Haagen, Pluto Knight VIII 

"Captain, sir! We await your orders, sir!"

Steiner 

"Hmmm... Well... Umm... Errr..."

"Princess! I'm afraid I cannot comply!"

**"Does not compute..."**

Garnet 

"Stubborn as always, aren't you?"

**"Mule!"**

**Steiner**

**"That hurts! Waaaaah!"**

Zidane 

"Come on, Princess. Let's ditch Sir Rustalot and get outta here!"

Steiner 

"Princess, wait!"

[Zidane walks over to Vivi]

Zidane 

"Hey, kid... You okay!?"

Vivi 

"Y-Yeah. I just tripped, that's all..."

Steiner 

"Princess, I cannot allow you to go! Seize them at once!"

**"Dix-sept them! Dix-huit! Dix-neuf! Vingt them if you have to!"**

**And the progress to French 104!**

[Battle: Steiner & the two knights versus Zidane, Garnet, Vivi and Marcus. After the battle is done, the scene changes to the Theater Ship's bridge]

Cinna 

"Stabilizers configured!"

Baku 

"Good!"

Blank 

"Engine room is good to go!"

**"Retros initiated!"**

Baku 

"Alright!"

"We're movin' out!

Blank 

"Roger that!"

[FMV. The Theater Ship begins to ascend, with Garnet, Zidane, and Vivi on the deck. The Queen notices this and orders for it to be stopped. Several harpoons are fired, all of which connect with the Theater Ship, bring it down and crashing some Alexandrian buildings.

**Zidane**

**"Whoopsie! That's gonna cost us!"**

The Queen signals for another cannon, which is revealed above where she's sitting, and something is fired out; after a few moments you notice it's a fiery Bomb! Battle ensues: Steiner vs. Garnet, Zidane, Vivi and Marcus. They repeatedly warn him that there's a bomb behind him, and to turn around, but he doesn't pay attention until the end of the battle, when he first sees it. By that time, the Bomb had grown several times during the fight to be alot bigger than when it started out]

[Another FMV follows after the fight is over: the bomb explodes, and the Queen cheers, thinking that the Theater Ship was destroyed. But it emerges from the cloud of smoke, in one pieces, but with fire and smoke emanating from everywhere, as it departs Alexandria. The queen, visibly pissed, snaps her fan in half.

**Alcoholic!**

The theater ship, losing power, barely stays afloat on the cloud of mist]

Cinna 

"We're gonna crash!!!"

**Zidane**

**"No... you think? We've been hit by harpoons and a bomb, and you say we're gonna crash? Well I never."**

[FMV. The ship descends the mist, where it is much darker than above it; the ship lands smack dab in the middle of a forest area. A large explosion of fire can be seen some ways away]

Queen Brahne 

"Garnet..."

"I never imagined you would do such a thing. Perhaps you're not such a helpless little girl anymore..."

Yeah... she's actually past 4 years old now.

"Zorn!"

[Zorn appears on the right side of the screen]

"Thorn!"

[Thorn appears on the left side]

"Is out little experiment ready?"

Zorn 

"Yes, Your Majesty. It is combat-ready."

Thorn 

"Easily terminate Princess Garnet, it can, Your Majesty."

Queen Brahne 

"I need her alive!"

"Bring her back at once!"

**"I need her alive... for my TORTURE! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"**

**It's gonna be a while... I got the while script, but I haven't changed it all yet. In fact, this is all I have done.**


	2. The Evil Forest

**You know the drill. What's mine, is mine.**

**Note - The Children's Television Workshop made Sesame Street! Yay!**

[FMV. Zidane gets up in the middle of

**... the red light district, Lindblum!**

a forest, as the wind howls. He steps forward and sees the

**... strap-on he ordered...**

crashed Theater Ship]

Baku 

"Grr...my back's killing me..."

"Are you alright?"

**[No answer from anyone]**

**Baku**

**"No?"**

**"Woohoo! In yer face, Zidane!"**

Cinna 

"Yeah, but the Prima Vista's wasted."

**I didn't think air ships could drink...**

Baku 

"Just our luck to crash in this

**"...red light district..."**

forest... it's gonna get interesting..."

Cinna 

"What do you mean, 'interesting,' Boss? I hear no one's ever made it outta here

**"... without going to the souvenir shop in the middle, wasting all their money on t-shirts and 'Kiss Me Quick' hats and getting arrested for indecent exposure."**

alive."

[Blank runs into the room]

**... and slips on a banana skin.**

Blank 

"Boss! There's fire everywhere! It's outta control!"

Baku 

"Quit yer whinin' and get it under control!"

**A good idea, Square... if it is out of control, how the hell are you supposed to get it under control?**

"And get the

**"... horny..."**

wounded outta here!"

Blank 

"Alright!"

[Blank runs out of the room]

Baku 

"Get our goods outta here, too: weapons, items, anything we can use!"

"There's no way we can survive if all our stuff is toast."

**Actually, they can. They can just eat the toast. It'd be dry, but at least they could eat it!**

Cinna 

"I'm on it!"

[Cinna runs out of the room, as the screen fades to black. Meanwhile, outside the Prima Vista, Cinna is standing around]

Cinna 

"Phew...I'm beat..."

**"... that spontaneous sex really takes it out on you!"**

"Hurry up and put out the fire! I can't carry 'em all by myself!"

[Zenero walks out of the ship and throws a wounded person on the ground]

Cinna 

"What the hell are they doin'!? The whole ship's gonna burn up!"

Zenero 

"They're lookin' for Garnet... Can't find her anywhere."

"Maybe she fell off... Got squashed under the ship."

Cinna 

"This is great. First we kidnap her, then we kill her. We'll hang for sure."

**"Hey! You are right! Here's an arm... a bit of leg, her sweet, sweet pelvis..."**

[Zidane runs onto the screen and up to Cinna]

Cinna 

"Zidane, I'm

**"... not..."**

surprised you made it!"

**"After all, they can't kill of the lead character yet, can they?"**

"I can't believe you jumped off! You're nuts, you know that?"

Zidane 

"I didn't jump off. I got thrown out from the impact. So, is everyone okay?"

Cinna 

"Yeah. We've all got the devil's luck."

**Zidane**

**"Hmmm... is it me or is the clearing in a '666' shape?"**

"But if we don't find Princess Garnet, we're all dead meat."

Cinna

"Yeah, I can't keep it up any more! Not without Garnet!"

[A moogle floats over to Zidane]

"ATE, kupo!"

"Active Time Event is a system that lets you see other events that are happening at the same time elsewhere, kupo!"

"Press the SELECT button when you see the icon flashing below."

"You can press the button anytime while the icon is flashing."

"Try pressing SELECT, kupo!"

**Zidane**

**"Select? Where's select??? If you're talking about the controller, the Play Station is melting in my room..."**

[The screen returns to Zidane, who enters the next screen, as the words "EVIL FOREST" present themselves on the screen. He runs to where Vivi and Garnet were attacked by the monster]

**I. Could. Have. Never. Thought. Of. That.**

Vivi 

"Sh-She's in trouble..."

Zidane 

"...What the hell is that?"

[Zidane runs forward to see the monster, holding Garnet within itself, and Steiner in front of it]

Steiner 

"Release the princess at once!!!"

**Plant**

**"Ok!"**

**[The plant releases Garnet, eliminating the next two battles.]**

Zidane 

"Yeah, like it's gonna really listen to you."

**It just did...**

"Come on!"

**Steiner**

**"Ewww! No!"**

[Battle: Zidane and Steiner vs. the creature holding Garnet prisoner. The battle starts with Zidane going into Trance mode.

**Plant**

**"Pretty colours!"**

The creature runs away after being defeated, taking Garnet along with it]

**Plants can't run!**

Steiner 

"Princess? PRINCESS!!!"

Zidane 

"What the heck? Where did they go?"

**"Wow. You. Can. Still. Say. Princess."**

Vivi 

"She's gone..."

Never!

"I was too scared to cast any spells... That monster's probably gonna eat her..."

Steiner 

"How could I let this happen!?"

Zidane 

"Don't worry. She's not dead yet."

"That monster was only a minion.

**Zenero and Benero**

**"Like Us! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!"**

He's probably gonna take her to his master."

Steiner 

"That means the princess might still be - Come! We must go find her at once!"

Vivi 

"WHOA!"

**"COOL! I CAN TALK LIKE THIS! KILL!"**

[The monster jumps down and traps Vivi, much like he trapped Garnet. Battle begins; Throughout the fight, Vivi, trapped, casts Fire spells which hurt the monster greatly. This time, instead of escaping, the monster is destroyed and Vivi is set free]

Vivi 

"Phew... Th-Thanks..."

Zidane 

"Are you alright?"

Vivi 

"Y-yeah.."

[The monster lets loose some sort of green steam attack, which catches everyone off guard. It hits Vivi and Steiner, who respond with surprised statements. Vivi is knocked out, and Steiner proclaims "P-Prin-cess."

**The only word he knows!**

The scene returns to the Prima Vista, as Blank tends to Vivi in one of the rooms]

Blank 

"You guys are lucky. If it weren't for Zidane,

**Zidane**

**"I AM YOUR SAVIOUR! BOW DOWN TO ME!!!"**

you'd both be

**"... NPK fertiliser!"**

dead."

"Some of the monsters in this forest reproduce by planting seeds in other animals."

"And when the seeds sprout, it's hasta la vista: you become beef jerky."

**Zidane**

**"And I eat beef jerky for breakfast! It's nice!"**

Vivi 

"Um... A-Am I gonna die?"

**Zidane**

**"Yep. You will die a horrible, horrible death."**

Blank 

"No. You're gonna be fine. Here, drink this. It'll remove all the seeds from your body."

Vivi 

"Ugh...eeyuck..."

[Screen changes to a different room,

**... with camera work skills that belong with 13 year olds with paranoia...**

where an extremely-weakened Steiner walks towards the exit of the Prima Vista, with Zenero following behind him]

Steiner 

"Princess... I'm coming right now..."

**Zenero**

**"A bit early, don't you think?"**

[Benero gets in his way]

"...Stand aside!"

Benero 

"Room behind you. Go."

**"Yes. You go now. Now. I am God. Bow down. NOW!"**

Steiner 

"The princess... is in grave

**Zenero**

**"Nope. Is in stomach of big planty thing."**

danger!"

"Do you intend to ABANDON HER!?"

Benero 

"You're in no condition."

**"As a matter of fact, YES! Mwahahahahahaha!!!"**

Zenero 

"Don't worry about the princess. The boss'll think of something."

[Steiner is pushed into the room]

Steiner 

"Hey!"

Zenero 

"Get some rest."

**"And some tickets to Iron Maiden, baby!"**

**"With you an me... oooh ooooh oooooooh!"**

Benero 

"Yeah, and take that medicine I gave you."

[Inside Steiner's room]

Steiner 

"Dammit...

**"This game is for kiddies, so that's all I'm allowed to say!"**

I can't just stand here..."

**Yes he can.**

"The princess' life rests in my hands. What can their boss possibly accomplish!?"

"This medicine... it smells

**"... so, so sweet..."**

terrible. And the color... This is obviously poison!"

"Huff-huff-heave-heave."

**Zenero**

**"Stop puking! Unless you wanna clean it up!"**

"Ugh... I can't take it anymore..."

"God help me!"

[Drinks the medicine]

"Hey...not bad..."

**[5 bottles later]**

**"Yeah... thish ish shome gooood sh... shh... thingy... hehehehahahahahaha!!!"**

[Elsewhere, at the Prima Vista's bridge, Zidane and Baku are talking]

Baku 

"Forget it."

"Monsters born out of the

**"... diseased minds of the Children's Television Workshop"**

Mist are crawlin' everywhere."

Zidane 

"So what? There's nothing out there

**"... I, the smarmy git Zidane, can't handle!"**

we can't handle."

Baku 

"Yeah, but what are we gonna do about the

**"... sex toys?"**

wounded?"

Zidane 

"We can take 'em with us."

Baku 

"How are we gonna carry all of them?

**It's best that you don't know...**

Trust me. We go out now, and we'll all get wasted."

"My boys come before the princess, you know. It's too bad..."

Zidane 

"!!!"

**"Hi, I'm Meryl. All I can say is '!!!' Look! '!!!' '!!!' '!!!'!!!"**

Baku 

"We're gonna stay put 'til everyone recovers."

"You better not set one foot outside this ship. You got that!?"

Zidane 

"I can't believe you're abandoning her! You're nothing but a big

**"... hungry teddy bear!"**

coward!"

[Zidane leaves the room]

[Zidane heads down to Vivi's room. Vivi, lying down on the bed, wakes up]

Vivi 

"Oh..."

"Th-Thank you for helping me."

Zidane 

**"No. Thank YOU for not killin' Garnet. I have an appointment with her in bed... did I just say too much?"**

"Ah, don't mention it."

"Besides, it was your black magic that saved the day."

"You know, you got some major power for such a little guy."

Vivi 

"......"

**Vivi spews up black dots...**

Zidane 

"What's wrong...?

**Vivi**

**"I lost my virginity..."**

**"You're gonna kill me, Zidane..."**

Are you peeved at me because I called you little?"

**Vivi**

**"Yes"**

**"KILL!"**

"Hey, you're a great mage with great powers, alright?"

"To hell with looks. It's what's inside that counts."

Vivi 

"I'm sorry. When that monster caught her, I couldn't do

**"... her."**

anything."

Zidane 

"Hey, don't worry about the princess. I'll get her back. I promise."

Vivi 

"Thank you, Mr. Zidane."

Zidane 

**"Damn you! It's Mr. Zidane Tribal, ESQUIRE!"**

"Whoa, that's the first time anyone's called me 'Mr.' Just call me Zidane, alright?"

Vivi 

"Okay...Zidane."

[Zidane walks out of the room, closing the door behind him]

Zidane 

"Geez... He was pretty down..."

**"I know! I'll get him some online porn!"**

"Maybe I shouldn't have made that promise. I don't even know if I'll be able to find her..."

[Screen turns white, than fades in for a Zidane-flashback episode. He recalls the moment he first ran into Garnet in Alexandria Castle]

"Man..."

"I never felt so strange..."

**"My trousers felt wet afterwards..."**

"Maybe fate brought us together..."

"I can't explain it..."

[Screen returns to Zidane in the Prima Vista, outside Vivi's room]

Zidane 

"Man, I can't stop thinking about her..."

"What am I gonna do...?" 

[Choose either "Go look for her" or "Forget it". Take the first choice.]

"Yeah! What's there to think about!?

**Triangles for one. And how they get the little 'M's on M&Ms...**

She's cute...and she's in trouble.

**So it WAS Garnet with the pole in the Hilda Garde 3...**

That's all that matters."

"...There you are."

[Blank walks in, Zidane runs up to him]

**... and into him.**

Blank 

"Why do you look so serious? Uh-oh... What are you up to this time?"

Zidane 

"I'm gonna take that knight and the black

**Kill Zidane! He's one of Them!**

mage to find the princess."

Blank 

"You're crazy! Man, you don't even know what's out there."

**Zidane**

**"Yes I do, I've completed it before."**

"Besides, there's no way the boss'll allow that."

Zidane 

"I know..."

**"... all and see all! Mwahahahahahaha!!!"**

Blank 

"Sheez... Why do you always gotta go play hero?

**Because no-one likes Steiner.**

The boss is gonna kill you."

"Well, what are you waiting for? Go talk to the boss."

[Zidane goes to meet with Baku, who is in the room where you planned out the kidnapping of Garnet]

Baku 

"AAH"

"AAAHHH"

"AACHOOO!!!"

**Zidane**

**"Ahhh, look at Baku-waku... has wittle Baku-waku got the sneezles? Aww!"**

"Took you long enough... I fell asleep, darn it."

"So, you're leaving, eh?"

Zidane 

"Yeah...I promised Garnet I'd kidnap her."

Baku 

"Gwahaha! I didn't ask why!"

"I can't blame you, though. She's damn

**"... hot in bed!"**

beautiful." 

"I guess that's reason enough!"

"Well, I hope you're ready!"

"'Cause I'm gonna bust you up for breakin' the rules."

Zidane 

"...Alright."

Baku 

"Okay, get your butt over to the cargo room. We got more room there."

[You and Baku both leave for the other room, which has much more space]

**Crap! I'VE gotta fight Baku! And that means going through my monitor... I DON'T WANNA BE PIXELLATED!"**

Baku 

"You ready!?"

[Choose either "Anytime!" or "Hold on". Gotta choose "Anytime!"]

"I ain't holdin' back."

[Battle begins, Baku vs. Zidane. After the battle, Baku and Zidane are in the room, along with Blank]

**That was easy!**

Baku 

"I'll be damned..."

"Bravo!"

[Hits Zidane]

"Go find your princess!"

"Gwahahahaha...."

[Leaves the room]

Zidane 

"Damn, that hurt! He pulled his punches 'til that last one."

[Zidane heads over to Steiner's room]

Steiner 

"..............."

**Damn, now Steiner's spewing black dots!**

Zidane 

"Come on. You're too old to be playing with a doll."

Steiner 

**"I wuv my dowwy wery much!"**

"Silence! A scoundrel like you could never understand!"

"I'm just overwhelmed with concern for the princess!"

"If only you rogues hadn't kidnapped her... This is all your fault!"

"If anything should happen to the princess, I will have your head!"

**"... with barbecue sauce..."**

Zidane 

"Take it easy. Geez..."

**Huh? G's? G, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g, g?**

"I'm gonna go look for her now."

"I'll let you come with me if you promise to be good."

"What do you say, Rusty?"

Steiner 

"RR...RUSTY!!!? I am

**"... GOD!"**

**"... Bender, please insert girder..."**

**"... damn good in bed!"**

**"... the DEVIL! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"**

Adelbert Steiner, Captain of the Knights of

**"... Uranus!"**

**"... Mickey Mouse!"**

Pluto, and I will never work with you conniving

**Zidane**

**"We don't connive. We Screw!"**

thieves!"

Zidane 

"Captain? I figured you were a private, what with that cheap, rusty armor..."

"Look, this has nothing to do with

**"... beer!"**

**"... you!"**

**"... saucy love triangles between me, Garnet and Eiko!"**

Tantalus. It's something I decided to do on my own."

"I just wanna save Garnet."

Steiner 

"Hmph...! You had better not be lying!"

"Because if you are, I won't hesitate to

**"... make sweet, sweet love..."**

kill you!"

Zidane 

"Yeah, yeah. I'm counting on you, Rusty."

Steiner 

"Make no mistake. I'm not only going with you to rescue the princess! I will deal with you personally when this is over!"

Zidane 

"...Whatever."

**Squall**

**"That's my line!"**

Steiner 

"It may be difficult with just the two of us.

**"Just the two of us!"**

**"We can do it if we try!"**

**"Just the two of us!"**

**"You and I!"**

We should seek Master Vivi's help as well."

Zidane 

"Why are you calling him 'Master'?"

Steiner

**"He is God. We can not anger him."**

"You fool. That black mage has unimaginable powers..."

"I don't want to get him involved, but alas, it can't be helped."

"We need Master Vivi's powers to rescue the princess."

Zidane 

"Alright, let's go talk to Vivi."

[Zidane and Steiner leave the room, and go to Vivi's room]

Zidane 

"Well, Vivi, we're ready to go look for the

**"... holy Cannabis leaf!"**

princess."

Vivi 

"Really!? That's great! Be careful, okay?"

Zidane 

"Actually, we want you to come with us, too."

Vivi 

"Huh!?"

"B-But I can't do anything."

Steiner 

"Hardly, Master Vivi.

**Harder? This is NOT NC-17!**

Your magic was highly effective against that monster."

"In all honesty, I hold your power in greater esteem than I do this scoundrel's."

Vivi 

"B-But...I'm scared. I couldn't even move last time."

Steiner 

"Please, Master Vivi."

"For the sake of Princess Garnet, and all of Alexandria, I humbly request your assistance!"

Zidane 

"Come on! You're a black mage,

**I'm SURE racism is illegal... Looks like Zidane's gonna go on Square's Dumbest Criminals!**

for crying out loud! Show us what you've got!"

"Alright, let's get going."

Vivi 

"...Okay."

"I'll... try my best."

Steiner 

"Thank you, Master Vivi."

[Zidane walks out of the room. Vivi heads towards the door, but Steiner stops him]

Steiner 

"Master Vivi..."

Vivi 

"Yeah?"

Steiner 

"It's about your black magic. I wish to try an experiment."

"(I was wondering if...)"

"Whisper, whisper..."

**Huh? He's saying "Open angle bracket, whisper, whisper, close angle bracket"**

Vivi 

"Magic sword...? Okay. I'll give it a try."

[You head towards the exit of the Prima Vista, at the bottom of the

**... lake, in a cheap 1950's Gangster movie, wearing concrete shoes...**

room where you fought

**... the Power Rangers...**

Baku. Zidane and Blank have a little chat]

Blank 

"Sheez... you really dig her, huh?"

Zidane 

"I can't sit around knowing a girl's in trouble.

**Yes, he can. Sit, sit, sit.**

Goes against my nature."

Blank 

"Whatever. You're full of crap."

**Squall**

**"Now someone else! That's MY LINE!!!"**

Zidane 

"Ohhh.... I get it."

"You're jealous

**"... 'cos I'm stealing your line..."**

**Squall**

**"Whatever..."**

that I'm gonna get me a sweetie pie."

Blank 

"Pshhh... She's not even my type."

"I came down here to give you this."

Zidane 

"You're always thinking about me...but I won't need a love potion to reel this one in."

**Actually, you'd need a fishing rod...**

Blank 

"Why don't you get your mind off girls for a second?"

"This is medicine I gave to that black mage and the knight. It's sort of like a seed remover."

**Sort of like? So what is it?**

Zidane 

"Cool. This'll really come in handy."

Blank 

"Why am I always helping you...?"

[Received Blank's Medicine!]

"Oh yeah. Here's a little tip from the boss."

Don't forget to set your abilities. 

Leaving the band is your business, but you better keep training! Learning more abilities is gonna make you even stronger. 

Good luck, 

Baku.

**A little? That's five lines!**

Zidane 

"Hey, Blank, how do you set abilities again?"

**Yawnerama... we've forgotten ALREADY?**

Blank 

"Man, how can you forget? It's so basic."

"Open the Menu, select Ability, select Equip, and choose the abilities you wanna set."

Zidane 

"Thanks, Blank. I'll see you when I see you."

**Never! It's like my disclaimer!**

[Zidane walks out]

Blank 

"How about never?"

[Zidane, Vivi, and Steiner leave the Prima Vista and journey into the Evil Forest]

[Zidane comes upon a moogle drinking from a small spring]

Zidane 

"Hmm... No sign of any monsters here."

[Walks over to the spring]

Zidane 

"A spring..."

**WOW! You. Are. So. Intelligent. Since. It. Just. Said.**

[Scene returns to Zidane at the spring. On the next screen, after running off it, a short FMV takes place, focusing in on a portion of the forest across a lake, glowing bright red light, filled with vines and some sort of huge flower]

[Finally, you run to the screen with the forest's boss: the huge flower/plant thing you saw in the FMV. Tied to a wall behind it is Garnet]

Vivi 

"There she is!"

**"Wow! I can also see more than 10 feet with these lightbulbs!"**

Zidane 

"So, this is the master."

Steiner 

"Princess!!!"

"You stay out of this!"

"Alexandria would be disgraced if a mere bandit should rescue the princess."

Zidane 

"You think you can handle him on your own?"

Steiner 

"......"

**Whew, Steiner must be ill, spewing up again...**

Zidane 

"Let's get him, Vivi!"

[Boss Battle vs. "Plant Brain" occurs, with Steiner, Vivi, and Zidane. A little bit into the match, Blank joins the fight as well, stating "Whew, I made it just in time." and "Step aside. I'll take care of this." After it gets defeated, you free Garnet, and Steiner holds her in his arms]

Steiner 

"Princess!!! Please get a hold of yourself!"

**[Garnet wakes and starts clutching her arse]**

**Garnet**

**"Like this?"**

Blank 

"Zidane, give her the stuff."

**Oh no... not... THE STUFF!!!**

**AAAARGH!!!**

[Zidane walks over and gives her the medicine]

Garnet 

"Hack-hack..."

**Zidane**

**"Oh no! She's gone crazy, she's gonna kill us!"**

Steiner 

"Princess, please try to drink all of it."

Vivi 

"Is she gonna be okay?"

**Zidane**

**"No. She's gonna die a horrible, horrible death."**

[The ground shakes for a split second]

Blank 

"Oh, man! What now!?"

[A big hole opens up in the ground, and two small bug creatures climb out. A third one enters the room from the doorway that they entered]

Blank 

"Sheez! We're gonna be surrounded!"

Zidane 

"Let's get out of here!"

**"Runrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrunrun..."**

Blank

**"Will you shut up?"**

"GO!"

[Steiner, still holding Garnet, and Zidane run towards an exit. Vivi and Blank stay still]

Blank 

"What are you waitin' for!?"

**Blank**

**"An invitation!"**

[Vivi and Blank soon run out]

[In the next scene, the four of them are running away from a legion of bug monsters chasing after them: Vivi in front, followed by Steiner & Garnet, Blank, and Zidane in the back. All of a sudden, Zidane stops running; so does Blank]

Blank 

"What are you doin'!?"

Zidane 

"Something's wrong..."

Blank 

"What?"

Zidane 

"The entire forest is coming after us."

**Never! Really?**

"Blank... Take care of everyone."

[Zidane begins to run]

Blank 

(What did he mean by that?)

[Blank runs off the screen]

**And then gets eaten by the same small terrier that ate Puck earlier.**

[FMV. The four are running, and behind them, dozens upon dozens, possibly hundreds, of bug creatures. The entire forest is getting petrified, as well. Zidane, at the back of the ground, is about to get caught in the grasp of a bug, is pushed aside by Blank, who gets caught in the bug's grasp. As the wave of petrification reaches the bugs, making them immobile, Blank launches the map which Baku gave him to Zidane who, still running, picks it up and makes the final sprint for the exit. A series of the forests vines attempt to stab, jab, and hit Zidane in any way possible, but he outmanoeuvres them all, taking one final leap out of the forest. Steiner, Vivi and Zidane look upon it as the entrance becomes completely petrified, and a final shot of inside the forest, with a petrified Blank, is shown]

**SHUT UP!**

Zidane 

"Dammit!!! That idiot!

"Blank..."

[Screen fades to black. Fades back in on an impromptu camp site, with a fire burning and a small tent,

**... with a moogle covering the whole in the top...**

outside the forest. Steiner is watching over the sleeping Garnet, while Vivi is sitting in front of the fire and Zidane is working on the tent]

Vivi 

"I hope she gets well soon..."

**"Let's make a card!"**

Steiner 

"This is all his fault!"

"Have you nothing to say, you filth!?"

Garnet 

"...Oh..."

Steiner 

"P-Princess!!!"

**Zidane**

**"Can you say... Zidane?**

**Steiner**

**"PRINCESS!"**

Garnet 

"...Steiner?"

"...How did I survive...? You brought me here?"

Steiner 

"It is my sworn duty to protect you at any cost."

Zidane 

"What are you talking about? It was Vivi's magic and my dagger that got you out of there, Princess."

Garnet 

"I

**"... wanna screw!"**

thank you both."

Steiner 

"That monkey derserves no praise!"

"None of this would've happened if you and your band hadn't abducted the princess!"

**Cue X-Files music?**

"And how dare you claim that you have rescued her!?"

"When we get back to Alexandria, I will-"

Garnet 

"Steiner..."

"I left the castle of my own will."

Steiner

"Does that mean I get your silk pillows?"

Zidane 

"What a coincidence, eh? We went to snatch her, and she wanted to be snatched."

Steiner 

"Impossible!"

Garnet 

"It's true."

**"I also smelled marawana smoke!"**

Zidane 

"So what do you say, Rusty? Friends? Come on, let's just enjoy this camping trip while it lasts."

**They call him Rusty! Rusty! Rusty and his friends... all make a-mends...**

Steiner 

"Camping - you imbecile! Surely even you must know something about the Mist."

"The vicious monsters it spawns! The abnormalities it stirs in the mind and body!"

"Princess, we must leave this dangerous place at once."

Zidane 

"You've gotta be kidding."

"She hasn't even fully recovered yet."

Steiner 

"Silence! Who asked for your opinion!?"

Zidane 

**"Chris Tarrant and Ruby Wax..."**

"Alright, tell me... How do you plan to get out of here?"

"We're standing in a valley surrounded by tall cliffs."

"And last I heard, North Gate and South Gate were sealed off."

Steiner 

"........."

**Stop being ill!**

Zidane 

"Yeah. That's what I thought."

Steiner 

"Grrrrr..."

Zidane 

"The princess can barely walk right now. You went through this. You should know."

"I think we should rest here for now."

Steiner 

"I will never follow - "

Zidane

**"No-one asked you to..."**

"Steiner!!!"

"State your sworn duty!"

Steiner 

"What else? To protect

**"... Brahne... that horny cow!"**

Princess Garnet Til Alexandros!"

"...Very well."

"Until the princess recovers, I will guard this place with my life."

Zidane 

"Sounds good to me."

"Vivi, let's get some rest."

[Everyone, except Steiner, goes to sleep. The next scene shows Zidane at the petrified entrance to Evil Forest; Garnet walks up to him]

Zidane 

"How are you feeling?"

Garnet

**"Dead."**

**"Horny."**

**"Dead horny."**

**"Sexy!"**

**"Sexily dead horny!"**

"Good...thanks to that medicine you gave me."

"Could this be...?"

Zidane 

"Yeah, I was surprised, too. After we beat that big plant-guy, the forest got completely petrified."

Garnet 

"Vivi told me that we were able to escape because of your friend."

Zidane 

"...His name is Blank."

**With his name falling through a plot-hole?**

Garnet 

"We must go help him."

Zidane 

"We can't do anything for him right now."

Garnet 

"But...I can't - "

Zidane 

**"Damn! And I thought you could... looks like I need Dial-A-Prostitute..."**

"We'll come back for him. I'm sure there's a way to cure him."

"Let's get going."

"According to the map that Blank gave me, there's a cavern to the south of us."

"Maybe we can get above the Mist through that cavern."

[Zidane walks and stops beside Garnet]

Zidane 

"Are you alright?"

**"No? Good. Then you'll die!"**

[Garnet turns to face him and nods]

"Everything's gonna be fine. Trust me."

[Screen changes back to the campsite, where all four people are gathered. A small moogle emerges from the forest]

Vivi 

"Look! There's something coming!"

**Monster**

**"Grrr... arrg..."**

Monty 

"Wait! Kupo!"

"I'm impressed, kupo! First time I've seen anyone escape from Evil Forest."

"You all must be strong, kupo!"

"But don't get cocky, kupo.

**Zidane**

**"Too late... cocky, cocky, cocky cocky cockocky!"**

Lots of stronger monsters ahead."

Monty

"I have a gift for you, kupo. Take this flute."

[Received Moogle's Flute!]

"With this flute, you can call us anywhere in the world, kupo."

"Press the Square Button to play it."

"Happy trails! Kupo!"

Garnet 

"Thank you."

Monty 

"Kupopo!"

**"Kupo need poo poo!"**

Vivi 

"Bye."

Monty 

"Kupopo!"

**Is that all it can say?**

[Garnet and Vivi walk off the screen. As Zidane walks by, he slaps Steiner, who was sleeping, and startles him]

Steiner 

"Who goes there!?"

**"The Ghost of Christmas Present!"**

Monty 

"Your friends already left, kupo."

Steiner 

"Princess, wait for me!"

**"I wanna come!"**

[Steiner runs off the screen]


	3. The Ice Cavern

**Bloody disclaimer, you should all know that I'm not God or Jesus, so don't sue me, and even if you do, I can't smite you. The "It's A Small World" comes from the annoying ride at Disney Land, Paris, and maybe other Disney Lands and Worlds elsewhere.**

[After exiting Evil Forest, you're on the World Map.

**It's a small wooorld, after all...**

The words "Mist Continent" cover the screen.

**But I thought we were on the world map!**

Eventually, you run for a bit and come to the Ice Cavern. Zidane walks up to the entrance, as a cold breeze & mist exits the entrance]

**That may be because it's an ice cavern, and ice is... cold?**

Zidane 

"This must be the cavern..."

**Damn! Read the script!**

Vivi 

"U-Um..."

Zidane 

"What's up, Vivi?"

Vivi 

"Have you ever heard of the Ice Cavern?"

Zidane 

"Sure... Is this the place?"

Vivi

**"Nope! Led you in the wrong direction! Mwahahahahahaha!!!"**

**"... Thicko!"**

"I think so... It's supposed to be near Evil Forest."

Garnet 

"...I've heard of it."

"It's supposed to be a beautiful place, covered in ice."

Vivi 

"My grandpa told me about this place."

"He said the cavern takes travelers to the top of the Mist."

Steiner 

"Bravo! Master Vivi's grandfather must be quite a scholar!"

"We must thank him upon escaping the Mist!"

**What if he was living in the mist? Then they'd have to go back down, then back up, then down, then up, then down, etc... every time they got up, they's have to go down to thank him, seeing as Steiner's a prat.**

Vivi 

"My grandpa used to teach me lots of things, but he

**"... became a diseased leper sheep shagger!"**

passed away..."

Steiner 

"Oh... Forgive my indiscretion."

**Wow! Steiner using more than just "PRINCESS!"!**

Vivi 

"Don't worry about it."

Zidane 

"Well...why don't we go inside?"

**Vivi**

**"Because then we'd have to walk about in the cold, fight monsters and a boss..."**

[The group walks into the entrance, as the words "Ice Cavern" appear on the screen in large letters. In the next screen, Garnet enters first]

**Wow. The characters now have precognition? Oh my God!**

Garnet 

"Oh...! What a beautiful place!"

"Seeing the actual cavern is so much better than reading about it!"

"Oh, how pretty... I wonder what kind of flower this is?"

Steiner 

"Princess! Please, don't touch anything!"

**Garnet**

**"Whoopsie!"**

**[Garnet then dies following poisoning. Yay!]**

Zidane 

"Can we get moving? I'm freezin' here."

**Well, it IS an ice cavern...**

[The group makes its way through the caverns. At one screen, Zidane comes to a wall]

**Oh, so there WERE no walls beforehand? Were they in space?**

Zidane 

"Hmm? What's this?"

"What a strange wall..."

"There's gotta be something behind it."

"Hey, Vivi!"

Vivi 

"Y-Yes?"

Zidane 

"Can you break this wall down with your magic?"

Vivi 

**"No! I shall leave you pitiful fools to cower, while I DO NOT break down the wall! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!"**

"I...I'm coming."

[Vivi uses his fire spell to break the wall down]

Zidane 

"I knew it! See?"

"There might be other walls like this..."

"I'm counting on you, Vivi!"

Vivi 

"S-Sure!"

[The group presses forward. At one screen, they come to a moogle, encased in ice]

Zidane 

"Huh? What's this...?"

[Vivi uses his fire spell to destroy the ice]

Moogle 

"Hot Hot Hot!"

**"Yeah, just where I LIKE IT!"**

"You bastards!!!"

**And I thought this was for kiddies...**

"Oh, I can move again! Thanks, Kupo!"

[Your team gets to a screen where there's a fiere wind and blowing snow. Everyone appears to be rather chilled]

**Rather chilled? It sounds like they've been stuck in a fridge and left to cool for 10-15 minutes, before baking on gas mark 6 for 30 minutes.**

Zidane 

"Vivi, hurry up, or you'll be left behind!"

Vivi 

"I...I'm coming."

**Ewww!**

[Vivi walks foward slowly, but not in the right direction]

Garnet 

"Huh?"

[Vivi falls off the edge of the path, down about 6 feet]

Steiner 

"Master Vivi! Are you okay?"

**Probably not, after 6 feet, when you're cold, and tired, and cold, and whatever it was that Vivi was.**

**Steiner**

**"DOG PILE!!!"**

[Steiner suddenly falls down too, landing beside Vivi]

Zidane 

"Yo, Rusty! You're...not alright, are you?"

"What happened to you guys?"

[Zidane jumps down and kicks Steiner]

Zidane 

"Hey, Rusty! Move it or lose it!"

"Get up!"

"...it's no use..."

**Very small attempt...**

**Garnet**

**"One is tiring one now. One needs beauty sleep..."**

[Garnet falls asleep]

Zidane 

"Oh no! Garnet! Not you, too?"

"Garnet? She's out cold..."

"Shoot... I'm falling asleep..."

[Screen fades to black. A small bell can be heard ringing,

**Alarm**

**"DANGER! DANGER! BOSS BATTLE IMMINENT! DO NOT PROCEED ANY FURTHER ON PAIN OF RAPE BY A MAD ESCAPEE GOAT!"**

and then, the screen fades back in.

**How do they do that?**

Zidane wakes up]

Zidane 

"What's that sound...?"

[Stands up]

"It came from over there... Is somebody there...?"

[Zidane walks off the screen, to a new one, where there's a fierce blizzard-type wind. A voice speaks, and instantly, he gets into a battle-ready stance]

Black Waltz No. 1 

"Why didn't you fall asleep?"

"You should be dead by now..."

**"Except you shouldn't, because they can't kill off the lead character yet!"**

Zidane 

"Are you the one causing this blizzard?

[Black Waltz No. 1 jumps down, landing in front of Zidane]

Black Waltz No. 1 

"Hee-hee-hee...

**"I can laugh like a pillock! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!!!"**

That's right!"

[Boss Battle: Zidane vs. Black Waltz No. 1 and Sea Lion]

"You defeated No.1, but No.2 and No.3 will reclaim the princess!"

**That was easy... didn't do anything! Mwahahahahahahaha!!!**

Zidane 

"W-Who's there?"

"Oh, whatever..."

"I've gotta go back and check on them!"

[Zidane runs off the screen, as the screen moves upwards and shows Zorn and Thorn were behind it all. Zidane returns to the screen with the three passed-out characters, who all wake up and stand up]

Garnet 

"Zidane!"

Zidane 

"Hey, there. Everybody okay?"

**"No?"**

**"Ill?"**

**"Good. Then I can refer you to my doctor, every patient I send I get two free shots of morphine!"**

Steiner 

"You! What just happened?"

Zidane 

"It was no big deal."

Steiner 

"You're hiding something!"

Zidane 

"Hey, nothing happened. You heard me."

Steiner 

"You...didn't touch the princess, did you?"

Zidane 

**"Whoo! Yeah! Sweet!"**

"Just what are you accusing me of?"

Garnet 

"Steiner, he said nothing happened. Why are you being so rude?"

Steiner 

"...My apologies, Princess."

Garnet 

"Well, I'm glad everyone is safe. Shall we move on?"

[Zidane turns around, his back facing the 3 characters]

Garnet 

"Zidane? Is something bothering you?"

Zidane 

[Faces the group]

"No...it's nothing."

[You take control of Zidane again

**... but Zidane's crap! And he's a diseased monkey wrench!**

and exit the Ice Caverns. The group is above the mist again, and, the sun is shining]

Garnet 

"We made it through the Mist!"

"Oh, the sun feels great!"

**"It feels like... it feels like... buuuurnniiiiinnggggg..."**

Zidane 

"Look, there's a village!"

"I think I've been there before..."

Garnet 

"It sounds like you've been everywhere, Zidane."

"The only other worlds I've visited are in books."

"You may have been to that village. Let's go visit."

**"And then we can have sandwiches, cheese and butter biscuits! Yes! Let's all have a picnic!"**

[Garnet starts to walk down the path to the village]

Zidane 

"Wait. Hold it."

"You're a princess! You can just go rushing in there."

"People are looking for you. You need a new identity."

Steiner 

"Insolent fool! The princess need not sneak around!"

"Besides, we're heading back to the castle. You leave her alone."

"And you will address her as 'Princess' from now on, you silly peasant."

Zidane 

"Dammit, Rusty! Why don't you just shut up?"

"Who do you think you are? I don't take orders from a stuck-up jerk like you!"

**Steiner**

**"Wow. Such. Insult. I. May. Have. Been. Offended."**

Vivi 

"You guys!"

Garnet 

"Stop it, you two!"

"...Steiner, I do not intend to return to the castle."

"And I do see Zidane's point...I need a new name..."

[Garnet picks up and holds a dagger, looking and marvelling it]

"Zidane... What is this called?"

Zidane 

"That? That's a

**"... rabid sheep shagging moron..."**

**"... peanut..."**

**"... car..."**

**"... large double barrelled sawn off shotgun!"**

dagger."

"All knives of that length are called daggers."

"Short swords are a bit longer. The big sword you hold with both hands is called a broadsword. And..."

Garnet 

"Oh, okay... I understand now."

"So this is called a 'dagger'..."

Steiner 

"Princess! It's a weapon! Please be careful."

**And she doesn't have one?**

Garnet 

"I've decided! From now on, my name is..."

[Name the character

**"Shotgun Pete"**

"Dagger"]

Garnet 

"I will be called Dagger from now on. What do you think, Zidane?"

Zidane 

"Is that okay with you?"

[Choose either "Yes" or "No". You have to pick Yes eventually]

**No! Nononononononononononononononono!**

"Great, Dagger. Now, let's work on your speech..."

"Try to sound more casual. Like me."

Dagger 

"I shall try."

Zidane 

"No, no, no..."

"(What would Vivi say...?)"

Vivi 

"?"

Zidane 

"Just say... 'Alrighty.'"

Dagger 

**"Impudent fool! Mwahahahahahahahaha!!!"**

"A-Alrighty!"

Zidane 

"You're getting the hang of it!"

"Well...Let's go."

[The group of four descends the path, and, you're back on the World Map]

**... World map AGAIN? We just left there!!!**

**Well, that's it. If I'm slacking off, then it's cause it's a lot of work. Trust me!**


End file.
